Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
