were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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