shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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