I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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