I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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