Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Pants are for mortals
COCAINE IS GR8
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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