Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
