i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh god it's open bar.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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