he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You pole danced in your parka.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
