I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
