I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
