Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
