Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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