My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
