What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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