you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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