He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
