I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
