I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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