I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
