Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if only i could text you this smell
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
