Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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