It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
