Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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