well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
