Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My vagina is very pro this idea
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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