so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
