I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
