Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
