I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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