Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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