hotel room ftw
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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