i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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