worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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