You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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