did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
