He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
