1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize