Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
