My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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