sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize