i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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