you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
