i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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