DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
