the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
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