I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
