They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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