I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
