FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
