I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
