why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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