forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
