what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Floor bacon is actually really good
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
