i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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