Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
