Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
