i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
