I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
