i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
