And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
