Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
