I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My bed smells like the plague
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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