I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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