Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
