Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
